In today's modern society of affordable hover cars and zero
gravity thrills, we often forget the subtle dangers life has to
offer. By subtle, I mean the constant buffet table of death threats
that each and every one of us faces on a daily basis. It seems Americans
and American-like creatures pay a high price for their extravagant
lifestyles and robot-dance-all-night-attitudes. This high price
manifests itself in the form of enraged foreigners who blame us
for the carpal tunnel syndrome they developed from constant and
angry fist shaking, also aimed at us. Sore muscles and joints quickly
escalated into mean spirited mass murders and doomsday plots. Plots
that could strike us at any moment and where we least expect! The
rage these people feel is like a football flying at rocket speed
towards the crotch of America. It could hit any one of us in ways
both painful and even more painful.
Every aspect of modern living has been altered in some turnaround
so radical that Tony Hawk would cover his eyes and say, "Whoa
dude, that's not safe!" We've gone from carefree and casual
to wearing jumpsuits of despair. You never know if a terrorist is
going to crash a hang glider into you, or ring your doorbell and
run away. You know only one thing: the threat is there. Maybe there
are terrorists hiding in your bushes, or in your vestibule, or maybe
even out back in your woodshed. Maybe you don't own a woodshed or
have a vestibule. Maybe you don't even own bushes. But that won't
stop the terrorists. Terrorists are as crafty as they are deadly
insane, and so they'll find somewhere else to hide and wait, like
in your guest bedroom or above your garage. Nowhere is safe. In
fact, the only way to be safe is if you have one of those big, padded
suits that protect you from bears. But that's only if the terrorists
attack you with trained bears.
But thankfully help is here! According to CNN, the United States
Department of Homeland Defense and Party Planning has unveiled a
sophisticated new system to keep us informed on how likely we are
going to be violently murdered on any given day!
The warning system has five levels starting with green, the lowest
alert level, followed by blue, then yellow, orange and red, the
highest state of alert. Each code will trigger specific actions
by federal agencies and state and local governments.
For every level of threat there will be a level of preparedness,"
Ridge said. "It is a system that is equal to the threat."
The new warning system will keep us ahead of all the new terrors
So in much the same way a home pregnancy test will tell whether
your skank wife is pregnant or not, you'll soon be able to figure
out what the terrorist threat is for your area via a system of simple
colors. The colors will differentiate the level of threat facing
America, and may well very from area to area and day to day. It
all depends on how bad someone wants to kill us! Let's take a look
at those colors!
GREEN This level suggests that terrorist aren't feeling
particularly excited and probably won't try to kill anyone. When
the day is green, relax, plan a picnic, and occupy as much foreign
soil as you possibly can. Bonus points if it's holy ground!
BLUE Your wife or companion is probably pregnant and
there's a slight chance that potential terrorists are irate. To
be super safe, tip your cabby extra just to stay on his good side.
Remember to smile!
YELLOW Terrorists are seen building additional structures
and training extra troops. It is likely they are planning a rush.
As in American, it is your duty to horde resources to prevent them
from achieving their goals. If you are a spy or engineer, sneak
into their camps and sabotage or take over any buildings you can.
ORANGE Terrorists threats are at dangerous extremes and
the National Guard is called in to back up local authorities. Your
local library may well shut down and all library fines put on hold.
Area Blockbuster Video stores will initiate End Time Protocols and
fill their shelves with copies of the Mariah Carry-powered "Glitter"
in hopes of better preparing the masses for death.
RED Terrorists are out for blood, and only one man can
stop them YOU! Oh yes, it will be personal. When the threat
level reaches red, take the law into your own hands and begin killing
anyone and anything that looks suspicious. If possible, hijack a
train or bus and drive it at excessive speeds in pursuit of justice.
It's up to you and you alone to save democracy!
Of course that's just the primary threat system, which oddly enough
isn't made up entirely of primary colors. Because the threat against
us can't be confined to just five stinking colors, there is a secondary
system to back us up:
TEAL Terrorists are mildly annoyed and likely to give
you the evil eye. Wear cool Blue Blocker shades to reflect any nefarious
facial expressions away from you and back at the terrorists. In
addition to using their own mean looks against them, you'll look
damn cool and probably get laid.
CYAN Terrorists are feeling very friendly and don't want
to fight. Find a terrorist and take them out for dinner and a movie.
Before the nights over, you'll be riding a bicycle built for two
with your new friend. UNTIL TOMORROW!
TURQUOISE Terror threats postponed due to weather.
PURPLE Terrorists are mean, nasty, and looking fabulous
at the same time. It's an all out war and the battlefield is a fashion
runway. Look your best and use high style as your patriotic bullets!
BLACK Terrorists have killed you. Although you left before
your time, you touched us all in a way we'd rather you didn't. But
hey, that's all water under the bridge. Also, you're dead.
GRAY - Terrorist Ninjas may have kidnapped the president and
are holding him for ransom in their underwater hideout.
Of course the best thing you can do is be vigilant. If you see someone
shooting at you, make note of them and inform the proper authorities.
If you see someone detonating a nuclear device, question them. They
could very well be terrorists. At the very least insist upon seeing
some sort of proof of residence to make sure that they're American.
Defeating terrorists is the job of every non-terrorist, so do your
part! Don't be a terrorist by inaction! Watch, listen, and speak