Terrorist Warnings

In today's modern society of affordable hover cars and zero gravity thrills, we often forget the subtle dangers life has to offer. By subtle, I mean the constant buffet table of death threats that each and every one of us faces on a daily basis. It seems Americans and American-like creatures pay a high price for their extravagant lifestyles and robot-dance-all-night-attitudes. This high price manifests itself in the form of enraged foreigners who blame us for the carpal tunnel syndrome they developed from constant and angry fist shaking, also aimed at us. Sore muscles and joints quickly escalated into mean spirited mass murders and doomsday plots. Plots that could strike us at any moment and where we least expect! The rage these people feel is like a football flying at rocket speed towards the crotch of America. It could hit any one of us in ways both painful and even more painful.

Every aspect of modern living has been altered in some turnaround so radical that Tony Hawk would cover his eyes and say, "Whoa dude, that's not safe!" We've gone from carefree and casual to wearing jumpsuits of despair. You never know if a terrorist is going to crash a hang glider into you, or ring your doorbell and run away. You know only one thing: the threat is there. Maybe there are terrorists hiding in your bushes, or in your vestibule, or maybe even out back in your woodshed. Maybe you don't own a woodshed or have a vestibule. Maybe you don't even own bushes. But that won't stop the terrorists. Terrorists are as crafty as they are deadly insane, and so they'll find somewhere else to hide and wait, like in your guest bedroom or above your garage. Nowhere is safe. In fact, the only way to be safe is if you have one of those big, padded suits that protect you from bears. But that's only if the terrorists attack you with trained bears.

But thankfully help is here! According to CNN, the United States Department of Homeland Defense and Party Planning has unveiled a sophisticated new system to keep us informed on how likely we are going to be violently murdered on any given day!

The warning system has five levels starting with green, the lowest alert level, followed by blue, then yellow, orange and red, the highest state of alert. Each code will trigger specific actions by federal agencies and state and local governments.

For every level of threat there will be a level of preparedness," Ridge said. "It is a system that is equal to the threat."

The new warning system will keep us ahead of all the new terrors coming out!

So in much the same way a home pregnancy test will tell whether your skank wife is pregnant or not, you'll soon be able to figure out what the terrorist threat is for your area via a system of simple colors. The colors will differentiate the level of threat facing America, and may well very from area to area and day to day. It all depends on how bad someone wants to kill us! Let's take a look at those colors!

GREEN – This level suggests that terrorist aren't feeling particularly excited and probably won't try to kill anyone. When the day is green, relax, plan a picnic, and occupy as much foreign soil as you possibly can. Bonus points if it's holy ground!

BLUE – Your wife or companion is probably pregnant and there's a slight chance that potential terrorists are irate. To be super safe, tip your cabby extra just to stay on his good side. Remember to smile!

YELLOW – Terrorists are seen building additional structures and training extra troops. It is likely they are planning a rush. As in American, it is your duty to horde resources to prevent them from achieving their goals. If you are a spy or engineer, sneak into their camps and sabotage or take over any buildings you can.

ORANGE – Terrorists threats are at dangerous extremes and the National Guard is called in to back up local authorities. Your local library may well shut down and all library fines put on hold. Area Blockbuster Video stores will initiate End Time Protocols and fill their shelves with copies of the Mariah Carry-powered "Glitter" in hopes of better preparing the masses for death.

RED – Terrorists are out for blood, and only one man can stop them – YOU! Oh yes, it will be personal. When the threat level reaches red, take the law into your own hands and begin killing anyone and anything that looks suspicious. If possible, hijack a train or bus and drive it at excessive speeds in pursuit of justice. It's up to you and you alone to save democracy!

Of course that's just the primary threat system, which oddly enough isn't made up entirely of primary colors. Because the threat against us can't be confined to just five stinking colors, there is a secondary system to back us up:

TEAL – Terrorists are mildly annoyed and likely to give you the evil eye. Wear cool Blue Blocker shades to reflect any nefarious facial expressions away from you and back at the terrorists. In addition to using their own mean looks against them, you'll look damn cool and probably get laid.

CYAN – Terrorists are feeling very friendly and don't want to fight. Find a terrorist and take them out for dinner and a movie. Before the nights over, you'll be riding a bicycle built for two with your new friend. UNTIL TOMORROW!

TURQUOISE – Terror threats postponed due to weather.

PURPLE – Terrorists are mean, nasty, and looking fabulous at the same time. It's an all out war and the battlefield is a fashion runway. Look your best and use high style as your patriotic bullets!

BLACK – Terrorists have killed you. Although you left before your time, you touched us all in a way we'd rather you didn't. But hey, that's all water under the bridge. Also, you're dead.

GRAY - Terrorist Ninjas may have kidnapped the president and are holding him for ransom in their underwater hideout.

Of course the best thing you can do is be vigilant. If you see someone shooting at you, make note of them and inform the proper authorities. If you see someone detonating a nuclear device, question them. They could very well be terrorists. At the very least insist upon seeing some sort of proof of residence to make sure that they're American. Defeating terrorists is the job of every non-terrorist, so do your part! Don't be a terrorist by inaction! Watch, listen, and speak up!