Had I not had to travel to Israel for work, I would most likely
not know any more about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict then I
did this time two years ago, which is pretty much saying I only
know they really like fucking killing each other. But when your
boss says you're going to Israel for a week, you sure can turn your
attention to world affairs in a fucking hurry. Keep in mind all
this violence started on the very day my first trip there ended
back in September 2000. I mean we took off and things were great,
and when we landed back in New Jersey all the headlines featured
the riots breaking out. It was that fast.
Anyway I digress, the purpose of me writing this jazzy little article
is to explain to those of you who don't know (or really give a fuck)
what all this Middle East shit is about and where it's most likely
going. And Im going to do so without wasting too much time
on the trivial details or political backspins.
To understand current events, lets take a fast look into
the past to see if we cant see a cycle of events here.
So let us first turn back the hands of time, to when life first
formed here on Earth. Deep in the muck and protoplasmic slime, we
see two groups of single celled organisms. Those from Group-A begin
throwing microscopic flecks of stardust at Group-B, who in return
fire back with microscopic rubber bullets. Then a cell from Group-A
absorbs a bit of methane gas, migrates over to Group-B and promptly
explodes, killing not only himself but mortally wounding several
Group-B cells in the process. The remaining Group-A cells rejoice,
as Group-B cells plan a counterattack after some of their cells
learn they can become airborne.
These puddles of muck and slime will, after continental shift,
become the lands we know as Israel and the West Bank, and yes I
suspect the violence has been going on that long.
Okay now lets spin our clocks ahead to like the 0 A.D. timeframe.
In thirty words or less, Jews were enslaved by various civilizations
most of which were settled in the Middle East and whose roots can
be traced as the ancestors of the many Arabic countries we know
(You read as: Arabs enslaved the Jews since the word "go").
relationship went on for a bazillion fucking generations until eventually
the Jews fled their Promised Land and found new places
to live where they weren't persecuted, and the Arabs absorbed the
Now spin the time dial forward to the late 1930's. The Jews have
settled more or less all over Eastern Europe. Enter a short little
man with a mustache and a big gas bill, and with the conclusion
of WWII we also see the conclusion of some 6,000,000 more Jews.
Well, at the end of WWII, the powers that be (the US along with
Britain, the Soviet Union, and France -- hahaha just kidding about
France) held the Jews up and said, "Holy shit you poor people,
you've had the living shit kicked out of you for some few thousand
years or so. Tell us where would like to live in complete sanctuary
for the rest of your days?"
As I recall, they narrowed it down to some place in Africa (where
is inconsequential now so if you know don't tell me I don't give
a fuck) and some land in the Middle East, which we now know as Israel.
Well it doesn't take Colombo to figure out where they chose, and
the US more or less said to the Palestinians, "Hey nice place
now get the fuck out." The Palestinians were pushed out, and
the Jews returned to the land they held way back when people wrote
on walls with rocks.
Presto-whiz-bango, the State of Israel was officially born. Queue
bands, music, banners, food, etc, etc, etc.
Now the Israelis -- as they were now officially called -- said
to themselves, "Okay we've been the party bitches for everyone
pretty much since the beginning of recorded time, especially with
this Holocaust thing, so we have to make sure this will never happen
again." And so it was decreed that every Israeli citizen, both
male and female, would spend time in the military so everyone knew
how to defend their civilization. So they trained and trained and
prepared and prepared, all to insure the persecution of their kind
would never happen on such a monumental scale again.
Now spin the clock forward to 1967, and we find Israeli surrounded
like they are today pretty much by angry Arabs -- Syria to
the North, Jordan to the East, and Egypt to the South. Israel is
bordered by the Mediterranean Sea on the West for those of you geographically
challenged. Well the president of Egypt at the time decided that
he didn't want Israel to exist any more, so he picked up his Bat-phone
and dialed all those Arab states surrounding Israel, and called
upon them to wage one of their Holy Wars to, rid the world
of the Zionists pigs." (Zionist being a cool catch
phrase for a Jew).
Israel, being prepared this time and determined not to be beaten
like a rented mule, deciding they would be having none of this and
popped the top on the Extra Strength Can of Whoop Ass.
Thus commenced the "Six Day War".
Whyd they call it the Six Day War, you ask? Because that's
how long it took Israel to beat the fucking snot out of all three
of their attackers. Six fucking days. You think we whipped Iraq
or Afghanistan's ass quick? Hell no. June 5th, 1967 Israel beat
the fuck out of Egypt, the Jordanians on the 7th, and finally the
Syrians on the 9th.
So by the time the 11th rolled around, the Israeli soldiers were
back in streets of Tel Aviv doing the, "We Kicked Your Fucking
Arab Ass Dance", having captured lands known as the West Bank
(where the Palestinians are living), the Gaza Strip (from the Egyptians),
and the Golan Heights (from the Syrians). Thus the establishment
of the Israelis as people not to be fucked with and their, "If
you ain't Jewish, you ain't shit," attitude.
It's important to note here that in the West Bank are Jerusalem,
Bethlehem, and a snot load of other very religious places that hold
high regard in both Judaism and Islam. And theres no separation
between them either, both Jewish and Islamic holy places all mixed
in together to a Berlin Wall type solution just wouldnt
These spankings kept things quiet save for a few skirmishes in
the 1970's, until 1982 when Israel decided to lay the pimp-smack
down on Lebanon. The key thing to remember here is one of the commanders
in the Israeli forces at the time was a General Ariel Sharon (name
ring a bell?), who not only orchestrated many of the attacks on
the Lebanese army, but also is accused by many Arab nations of ordering
the slaughter of a shit load of Lebanese civilians.
Now, whether or not this slaughter actually happened -- both sides
claim opposite stories and I don't fucking know who to believe to
be honest -- doesn't really make a fucking difference. The point
is the Arabs believe he did and nobody, but nobody, is going to
change their minds. In their eyes he's a butcher who kills women
and children, period, end of discussion.
Again there were a few little skirmishes in the 1990s, but
again nothing too major and all is quiet for a while until the year
2000 (see a twentyish year cycle here?). The existing cease
fire between the Arabs and the Israelis was threadbare after all
this time, and it's now that the retired Ariel Sharon makes the
dumbass decision to visit one of the Jews most religious places
(good) but does so on one of the most holy days in the Islamic faith
(bad). The Arabs go fucking nuts withthe return of "the butcher",
riots start, bullets fly, and the rest we can get off CNN.
So for eighteen months now, it's been Arabs throw rocks, Israelis
shoot bullets. Arabs shoot bullets, Israelis use tanks. Arabs make
suicide bombs, Israelis launch planes. Then things cool down for
a few days, maybe a week, and we start all over again with Arabs
throwing rocks, Israelis shooting, and we're fucking back to square
In the past few weeks we've seen a few dashes of hope that this
whole Middle East violence thing might be wrapping up. The Saudi
peace plan looked most promising in my opinion, but even that's
doomed to fail. Why? Well, the deal is Israel gives back the land
they occupied back from the Six Day War - a big bone of contention
for many Arab countries -- and in return Israel will officially
be recognized by those same Arab nations.
Riiiiiight. So that recognition will last about three
to four weeks, and then one of the Arabic nations will snub their
nose at Israel, and the rest will inevitably follow suit. Israel
will then cry foul, the US will agree, and thus well be secured
for another twenty years in the eyes of Arab nations everywhere
as, the American capitalist dog masters of the puppet Zionist
Then one of the militant Palestinian groups not happy with
getting their land back but will instead want to push the issue
will throw a rock at Israeli border guards. This will of
course lead to the Israelis shooting back with rubber bullets (sound
familiar?), which will lead to more rocks being thrown until an
Israeli soldier gets seriously wounded, then the real bullets come
in and, well, I guess I dont have to tell you the rest. You
already know it, now dont you?
Look Id love to hold your hand and sing Kumbiyah
with the rest of your friends - Id like to see peace
in the Middle East as much as anyone else, Id get to travel
again, gas prices would go down, and these people would be off my
fucking news - but the simple fact is its never, ever,
ever, ever going to happen. Never. Ever. Period. The best anyone
is ever going to do is orchestrate a ceasefire which will be doomed
to fail before it even begins. The fires of hatred glow brighter
there than in any other place on earth, and theres no politician
or peacemaker with gloves thick enough to handle it for more than
a few months at a time.
Sad but true.